The Secret Land

You’d be surprised how much I hate my mom. I hate everything about her. I hate just about all there is to hate. Not just all there is to hate about her, but about anyone. A lot of people hate Saddam Hussein, and I’ll admit, I’m definitely not a fan of him. But I hate my mom far more than I hate Saddam Hussein. I hate her more, because Saddam might have been the mastermind behind that dreadful 9/11 day, but he never held a cookie in my face, reciting to me its calorie content. Saddam Hussein never gave me tips on how to obtain less fat from salad dressing, while still enjoying its pleasant taste. And Saddam never, not even once, came strolling into my bedroom to show off the inches of extra fabric on his favorite pair of jeans that, just last month, had fit excruciatingly tight. Saddam Hussein might have been responsible for the death of thousands of Americans, but he never made me feel fat. He never said anything to me, or did anything, to effect my starving, purging, and binging. That’s why, in my eyes, Saddam Hussein is nothing compared to my mother.

My mother was fat. Pushing 250 pounds before she lost the weight. I don’t want to talk about her though. She doesn’t interest me much. I don’t want to think about her. Because when I think about her, I think about how thin she is now. And how thin I’m not. Sure, maybe it’s selfish, maybe it’s bitchy. But I can’t help it. I honestly can’t.

I look out the window. The raindrops come down in big, hard thuds. I can tell this is going to be a big storm. I love big storms, because I can go running outside. Weird? Yes, but that’s the only time I allow myself outside. “Normal” people don’t go jogging I the rain. But that’s precisely why I go, actually. No one will be there to see the lard on my body. On my stomach, my thighs, arms, face, everywhere. No one will be there to laugh or ridicule.

As I watch the rain fall harder and harder I think of someone I haven’t met yet. I don’t know who they are, or what they look like, or what their name is. But I wish, desperately wish, that I could speed up time and know them. I don’t care who the person would be. Boy, girl, man, woman, gay straight, Christian, Jewish, Satanic, fat, thin, pretty, ugly, alive, dead. Whatever, you name it. I wouldn’t care. I just want to know someone. Talk to someone. Anyone who would listen and understand. Or at least try to.

just to be  safe, in case the link dies. GAAAAH!!! i worry too much

The following diet and health program was developed for employees and dependents of General Motors, Inc. This program was developed in conjunction with a grant from U.S. Department of Agriculture and the Food and Drug Administration. It was field tested at the Johns Hopkins Research Centre and was approved for distribution by the Board of Directors, General Motors Corp. at a general meeting on August 15, 1985. General Motors Corp. wholly endorses this program and is making it available to all employees and families. This program will be available at all General Motors Food Service Facilities. It is management's intention to facilitate a wellness and fitness program for everyone.

This program is designed for a target weight loss of 10-17 lbs per week. It will also improve your attitudes and emotions because of its cleansing systematic effects.

The effectiveness of this seven day plan is that the food eaten burn more calories than they give to the body in caloric value.

This plan can be used as often as you like without any fear of complications. It is designed to flush your system of impurities and give you a feeling of well being. After seven days you will begin to feel lighter because you will be lighter by at least 10 lbs. You will have an abundance of energy and an improved disposition.

During the first seven days you must abstain from all alcohol
You must drink 10 glasses of water each day

http://www.squidoo.com/GMDiet

gonna start this diet when i'm well, and after i've lost 10 pounds. hopefully, by the end of spring break i'll be 10 pounds lighter, and can start this diet. it'll be my reward.

My best friend is stressing me out. She's become obsessed with vegas and wants me to move there with her after high school. i want to sooooo bad! vegas seems amazing. but i want to act more than anything. and so far i've only been able to find one acting academy in vegas, and it doesn't even have an official site. so it could be crap. so i was telling her i might want to move to LA or New York so i could focus on acting. But then she starts listing all these bad thigns about LA and stuff and it's just pissing me off soooo mcuh! she makes me feel so stupid sometimes. But i just realized something, i'm not going to let her change me or my future. i just won't . acting is what i want, it's what's going to happen. there's an acting studio near where i live and i'm going to go on a tour of that soon and possibly join. and they even help u find an agent and give u headshots. this is what i want, and i'm not going to let anyone change that. our dreams are just different, i guess.

I've been doing abc and it really sucks cuz i've only lost a couple of pounds., i thought i was 116 lbs when i started but then i stepped on the scale and found out i was actually higher. so yesterday i weighed in and was 116, exactly, (well, as exact as my crappy scale can get). but it wasn't completely fair because i had just eaten and i was on my period. idk if i gain when i'm on my period but i know some people do so....

anyway, i'm getting tired of abc because i'm not sure it's working. so i'm gonna really try 2828 again. i ate pretty well today but i had a lot of corn bread :( but, i made it myself and healthified it and i also cut the calories of course and put peppers so it'll boost my metabolism. but it's still no excuse for eating so much of it. 

Yes *breathes in* tomorrow is a new day! 200 calories! i have it all planned. i'm going to eat a tiny bowl of fruit salad every three hours. or a tiny bowl of soup or a couple of sliced veggies every three hours. i'll decide which one i want when the time comes. except for in the moning, i'll have a small bowl of fruit and a small bowl of soup. the soup is negative calorie and super spicy, so it's considered a safe food. 

i have to succede at this! i've been eating a lot lately, not binging, just kinda, eating normal. i don't exactly like eating every three hours cuz it's just so much food. but it's all negative and i want my metabolism to speed up. also, i'm gonna be making the portions REALLY tiny, so that will help. i miss feeling hungry. 

My wrists finally stopped hurting cuz i've been taking vitamins. but then i got my period and i was not happy. i want to be healthy, i really do, but i just...idk, part of me wants to be unhealthy. part of me wants to get sick and weak and die. but the other part just simply wants to be thin and happy. idk, i confuzzle myself. i don't feel good when i eat, but i dont' feel good when i don't eat or eat very little. but the actual feeling of hunger i like, no doubt about it. love the dizziness. i love it physically, and i also love it because it's a reminder that i'm staying strong. it's proof. and even if all i'm eating is negative calorie, i'm still not happy. because if i eat a normal amount of it i don't feel dizzy. 

i'm hoping that i'll lose 1 pound every 2 days with 2828. i know it sounds a bit too optimistic and hopeful, but i've been doing the calculations in my head and i'm pretty sure it should work out like that. i'm pretty good a predicting how much weight i will lose. one time i tried one diet and i had worked out how much weight i'd lose and i was exactly right with the actual results. When i did 2468 i weight myself every 400 day, in the morning, before i ate. so im thinking, with 2828, if i weigh myself every 800 day, in the morning, before i eat, i will still lose 1 pound. because of the dramatic jump from 200 to 800. i think it will be the same as 2468, just faster. Oh, Gosh, i hope i'm right! please, please, please let me be right. i'm such a fat ass. i HAVE to be thin. i have to. i always say that, i always wish for it, but i have to make it a reality. i've been looking at myself in the mirror a lot lately. i don't think i'm gaining weight, but i seem to look fatter and fatter by the minute. i know i'm up 10 fucking pounds since christmas eve, i know that, but i still seem to look fatter and fatter and fatter. i can't stand it! i need to lose this weight, i have to! I have to be thin. i have to be 70 lbs. maybe that's too low. but i need it. 

9: 00 am-small bowl of fruit and soup
12:00pm-small bowl fruit
3:00pm-sliced vegetables
6:oopm-small bowl of soup
9:00pm-small bowl of fruit

I purged today. A long, big purge. Then i had pottery class. So i stayed there for like 4 hours, then my mom and I went to starbucks and back to her work to finish up some stuff. I had fudge there. shit, i hate myself! Then, we got home, and i ate dinner: spaghetti (sp?). Surprisingly, i wasn't feeling that guilty. I mean, i was, but not where it's overwhelming and i feel the need to purge.

So, my mom and i sat down to watch tv. by that time i had gotten some toast with peanut butter. While we were finding a show to watch i was eating the toast but i ended up giving the rest of it to my dog, who was sitting on the couch with me. Then we hear my brother open his door. And i'm almost in a panic because he is in his room with his dog. Who is a pitbull. Now, i have nothing against pit bulls. they are very sweet and have a bad rep. But, my dog is a corgi. just a small herding dog. And my brother's dog is a (not extremely tall) but a big, muscular, strong, pit bull puppy (almost a year). He's very hyper and i know he's goign to jump on my dog and my dog could get seriously hurt. So my brother's dog comes running over to me, about to jump on me, and i start yelling at him to go away. i was trying to protect my dog.

Then my brother comes in behind his dog and starts yelling at me, because i'm yelling at his dog. "Don't scream like that!" he yelled at me. I think he yelled my name too. I felt like  he had slapped me across the face. I don't know why i was surprised, he always ends up doing things to make me feel all cold inside. but i was surprised. And I instantly felt, the thought popped into my mind, like involuntary, just natural instinct, "I have to purge now." Just cuz my brother yelled at me? I have to purge? no, but that's what it seemed like.

So i told my mom i had to get a shower and i purged. and while i was showering and throwing up i kept thinking, "I deserved it. I'm glad he yelled at me. It's better this way. It's for the best. Now i can get this food out of me." OMG, i was gonna keep it inside me. but then he...AAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH! I HATE HIM LIVING  WITH US SO MUCH! i mean, i love his dog but it's just too damn stressful. i don't have any control at all over what my brother or his dog does. i could come home to find my room in shredds. or my dog, or birds dead. all of our birds had to be moved out of the living room and into my mom's room because the dog keeps trying to eat them. i CAN'T take this! omg, i feel so alone all the time. i feel so helpless. i just want to die, i really do. i think the only thing that's stopping me from killing myself is the thought of the paramedics coming and finding my FAT DEAD BODY! and the only thing that keeps me from running away is my animals and the thought of my ugly face and my WEIGHT being brodcasted all over the state, and on milk cartons. Gosh, i'm pathetic. I just want to dissapear. i want to be invisible.

Today, i think was the first time i really, TRULY realized that this ed, ana, mia, cutting, all of it. It really isn't JUST about losing weight and being thin. It is so much more. It's not JUST for attention, or control, or...idk, it's just EVERYTHING. I was fine before he yelled, the food would have stayed in me. But i purged, i threw up, i'm pathetic. I'm every awful thing my bother said i was that night under the Computer Table. That night in third grade when my mom left the house with me. I'm EVERY bad thing anyone, especially my brother, has ever called me. I'm fat, i'm a bitch, i'm selfish, i'm over-dramatic, i'm anti-social, i'm shy, i'm weird, i'm stupid, i'm a horrible person. Now, IF anyone ever finds out about my ed, i'm gonna be the stupid, superficial, anorexic bitch. What's wrong with that though? everyone else already hates me. I'd love to be thin. i love to starve. it's hard, it's miserable. but it's my path. not my choice, but my path.

If i could go back now, i would. i would go back and continue to lose weight the healthy way. but it's too late. i just feel so alone.

Current Mood: cold
Current Music: Iris, Slide, Sympathy-Goo Goo Dolls

It’s not hard
It’s simple
I do nothing
Nothing
Nothing
I eat nothing

It’s not hard
It’s impossible
But I do it
I go beyond bodily control
I eat nothing

It’s not hard
It’s not hard
It’s pain
It’s not hard

Current Mood: calm

My mom, brother, and I were talking about Heath Ledger last night. Since i heard in the waiting room how he had died. I called my mom while she was at work yesterday and told her and she was freaking out because she thought someone at home had died! lol. So my brother and her and me were talking about it and i told him how she thought one of the animals had died and that it was funny. So then he just HAS to bring up a really painful subject.

He said he thought it was funny when his cat killed my fish. I know it sounds stupid. Cuz a fish is like...just a fish. But that fish wasn't just a fish. He was a pet. He was an amazing fish to. He would wave his friends at you when you came in the room and he would make these cute bubble nests. And one time during the summer the air conditioning broke and he got in a really crabby mood and was puffing up at everyone cuz he was hot. lol. 

He was murdered by my brothers cat the summer before 6th grade. i was sleeping at the time i guess. I had a dream my fish died, actually. But instead of waking up and checking on him like i normally do when i have bad dreams i just kept sleeping. Then when i finally woke up i went to check on him expecting him to just be sleeping under his bubble nest i counldn't find him in the bowl. i started freaking out and finally found my brothers cat in the room. but i couldn't fin the body. OMG, i totally freaked out. It wasn't even just that i cried or was mad at myself or really sad, i mean, i think i had some sort of panic attack or something. I rean through the house just screaming and crying at the top of my lungs, throughing chairs everywhere. Shit, if i had been like I am now when that happened, i would have been purging and cutting. I really did spaz out. Then i finally found my fishes body. It was cut in half and all black. It looked like it had been fried on a pan or something cuz he was out of the bowl and all dried up. FUCK! and i just kept thinking about how scared he must hae been. How much pain it must have been. While he was out of the water he couldn't breath. I mean, did he sufficate to death? or did he get sliced open before he knew what was happening? Did he see the fucking cat? Was he scared? And i feel like it was all my fault! Fuck i hate myself. and i'm literally crying now. 

And my fucking brother just kept saying how funny he thought it was. So i smiled. I pretended to laugh with him. And then i left the kitchen and went into the bathroom. I had hidden one of those steak knifes in the cabinet and i just my arm. And i cried. And then for the first time i just my leg. I made two triangles. And the entire time that i was doing all that i was just thinking, "If Joe (my brother) had known that i was cutting and crying right now he wouldn't feel bad. He would just hate me even more and call me "dramatic" like he always does." I'm the dramatic bitch. The self cententered, dramatic bitch. And it's true. 

My fishes name was Blue Eyes. He was a blue beta. And when i got him i was obsessed with Yu-Gi-Oh. Hinces the name.

Current Mood: sad